I am still trying to figure out how the term “mean”, or even “scowl”, could actually be applied to something that not only looks completely non-threatening, but also looks about a douche-y as anything you could dream up. 

If I had to pick a close cousin for Kobe’s new scowl, it would have to be the rat.  But not a mean or angry rat that might inspire fear in women, small children and unattended cheese…kind of a like a friendly, Coach K rat…a wimpy rat.

In fact, I think that’s what we can start calling Kobe’s new “scowl” for the rest of the Finals…the face of a rat that is anything but mean.  Hmmmmmm.  I’ve got it!  In Game 1 of the NBA Finals, Kobe was showing off his “Pussy the Rat” face.

I know Kobe would think he deserves a better name for it, since he obviously practiced it in front of the mirror for a while…but that face is about the least fear-inspiring thing I have ever seen.  Yeah — “Pussy the Rat” sounds like a perfect description.  I guess if you were in mixed company, you could say he was making his Ratatouille face, but I personally think it loses some of the impact without the female anatomical reference, which is not only appropriate but required, in my opinion.

So, if you are watching Game 2 on Sunday night with friends, or even by yourself, when Kobe makes his new face, feel free to jump up and chime in with “Pussy the Rat!”  The more I think about it, although I am not telling you how to watch the game, I think the proper delivery might be akin to Jeff Goldblum’s character in “Deep Cover” when he is pinging around the back of the limo taking great relish in calling Barbosa “Felix the Rat.”  Just keep saying it over and over:  Pussy the Rat!  Pussy the Rat!  Pussy the Rat!

Just in case you don’t get the Ratatouille reference, take a look at the adorable main character from that movie and tell me that he does not look remarkably like Kobe Bryant’s mean face.

Keeping the Dream Alive – here are the reasons why Cleveland still has a chance

1.  Cleveland has the M.V.P. and no other team can say that.  Lots of talking heads have been singing Kobe Bryant’s praises extra loud this year, touting that LeBron has to come up with 3 or more rings before Kobe gets a 4th ring before there is even a legitimate “who is better” discussion.  If LeBron James wins a title this year, with the supporting cast he has, then there is instantly a discussion, as Kobe still has not won anything without Shaq.  Here is the scariest part for me – think about the whole Kobe vs. LeBron argument, as it exists right now, and think that Kobe is probably about 15-20% more skilled at executing what he wants to do within the game of basketball than LeBron, who is doing a lot more of his damage through sheer athleticism and force of will.  Think about a situation 3-5 years from now when LeBron can at least close that gap between Kobe’s skills and his skills in half.  Would it be outside the realm of possibilities that he could win 5 or 6 MVPs in a row?  Easily?  Without one valid argument in any of those years from anyone?  Plus, I don’t think LeBron will be raping any women any time soon…end of discussion.

2.  Cleveland has the Coach of the Year and no other team can say that.  Then again, that same accolade was bestowed last year upon the great coach Doc Rivers, who was somehow able to draw on his excellent coaching skills and reputation and guide the clear-cut best team in the NBA, by far, to the best record in the NBA.  There are those that might say that the 2008-2009 NBA Coach of the Year Award, just like the 2007-2008 version of the award, is more of a front office award than something contingent on the actual coach involved, but he is still the coach of the year, and no one else can say that.

3.  Cleveland still only has to win one game in Orlando.  As soon as Orlando won Game 1, Cleveland needed to win a game in Orlando to regain home court advantage.  Well, that is still the case.  Let’s assume for a quick moment (perhaps an invalid assumption, based on how Orlando played in Games 1 and 2 of this series) that Cleveland will hold serve at The Q in Game 5.  Do you think that would bolster their confidence going into Game 6, especially knowing that winning that game would get them to a Game 7, in front of their home fans, where they have a 44-3 record this year?

4.  Everyone on the Cleveland roster not named “LeBron” has been about as effective as a turd sandwich for just about every single second of every single minute of every single quarter of every single game of this series…uh, at least one of them has to be “due”, right?

5.  The refs are under strict orders from David Stern to not waste Nike’s puppet investment.

Dead Team Walking – here are the reasons why you can stick a fork in the Cavs

1.  The Cavaliers do not have anyone that can guard Dwight Howard.

2.  The Cavaliers do not have anyone that can guard Rashard Lewis.

3.  Hedo Tukoglu has been wall-to-wall stank for just about the whole series and is due for a break out game soon.

4.  Orlando has a better bench than Cleveland.

5.  The 2008-2009 NBA Coach of the Year ain’t no Stan VanGundy.  Not even close.  In fact, there has not been a single moment of any of the first 4 games of this series in which Mike Brown was even a remote threat to cause someone to utter a coaching comparison that was anything other than “Stan VanGundy is wearing the hell out of Mike Brown.  Coach of the Year…talk about a joke.”

So, where the hell does that leave us?  Who the hell knows?  I personally think that Orlando is taking this series, and you can take it to the bank.  They have too many good pros that will not allow a 3-game skid when in a position to close out a series.

Given my well-documented feelings about Cleveland fans, I am hoping for an Orlando victory in Game 7 in Cleveland on the last play of the game…the most vicious and heartbreaking loss ever…man, I would be smiling for about 3 weeks after that one.